Teenage brains
Parenting is hard. My kids are young adults now, and people who know my family in real life often ask what I did to help my kids turn out so well. It’s obviously multifactorial, but I think part of my secret is hacking neurology. I shared all of my neurodevelopment knowledge with my children when they were very young, long before adolescence arrived, so that they had tools to deal with the emotional storms of the teenage years.
The changes of adolescence that are typically attributed to hormones, are likely caused by major changes to the structure of the brain. The brain is at its very biggest around age 11 or 12. During adolescence the brain shrinks by 1% every year. This process of neurodevelopment is not complete until about age 25.
This is also a period of overactivity of the amygdala and underdevelopment of the frontal cortex. The amygdala reacts to even minor issues with fear and aggression. The frontal cortex is essential to risk assessment and planning. Without it, teens are more impulsive and can take thoughtless risks.
When my teenager was screaming about how some interpersonal situation is the end of the world, I would normalize their experience by saying “My love, your amygdala is really firing right now. I can tell you feel really scared and hopeless right now and that’s totally normal at this stage of neurodevelopment. And also it’s not true. Your brain is messing with you”. By middle adolescence they were able to do this for themselves “I feel like I’m boring and no one likes me, but I know that’s my amygdala. I’m gonna see if my friends want to meet up for ice cream this week. It’ll be good”
The most common phrase I use with my kids is “Good job! You’re making all the right mistakes.” They are learning to be adults. You can’t learn without messing things up along the way. My job as a parent is to be the co-pilot and let them get into a little trouble but save them before they crash the plane. They’ve gotta make mistakes so that they can provide data points for their frontal cortex and learn to modify their approach.
You can’t be a co-pilot if you never let them fly the plane. I rarely told my kids “No” when they asked to do something. It was much more common to give them a “not yet”. We turned those requests into goals and broke down the composite steps.
When the kids were very young, I gave them a timeline based on amygdala/frontal cortex development. At 13 to 14 they would be able to do simple things on their own if a trusted adult was on standby. At 15 to 16 they would be able to gradually take on more complex activities and by 17 they would likely be able to do most things independently.
If the question was “Can I go to a concert without my parents at age 13?” The answer might be “That’s a good goal! Your frontal cortex isn’t quite big enough yet to be certain you can manage it alone. You’ll need to arrange transportation, find your seats, get through the crowd to find your transport home, and manage at school the next day on less sleep.” The solution might be practicing taking transport to the venue, downloading a map and watching youtube videos about the venue, then going to a concert with a parent first. Trying each of these steps with you as co-pilot makes them feel like you care about their goals, gives them skills and confidence, and delays the actual request until they’ve got more frontal cortex on board.
It’s also important to keep in mind that their social developmental needs come into play during these years. In early adolescence they become very focused on their peers, and on forming an identity separate from their parents: Am I loveable? In the late teens they focus on emotionally intimate relationships: Can I love another?
I call the period from about age 13 to 17 “The Pit of Adolescence”. Sometimes it can feel like your kiddo has fallen into a hole where you can’t reach them. I let my young children know that they might fall into the Pit of Adolescence and I would miss them, but that they will eventually climb out. I also pointed it out when our friends and neighbours entered the Pit, so that they understood this was a common period of transition and they wouldn’t feel alone or defective when it was their turn.
It can be challenging to share living space with a person who generally doesn’t centre your wellbeing as a priority! When kids are peer-focused and wanting to rebel from you it can be incredibly frustrating. They may be respectful and kind in the world, but how do you get them to demonstrate it at home?
The first technique was to frame chores as preparing them to be a good roommate when they went off to school or work. They won’t necessarily do chores to make mom happy, but they might do chores if it’s part of co-piloting to reach their goal of independent living and learning to not be a jerk.
I also started using “I need, you need” framing. Whether asking them to do the dishes, or make plans for the weekend, I made sure both of us were getting our needs met. Rather than “do the dishes now” I would say “I need the counter to be clean before 5 so that I can make dinner, what support do you need to get that done? Do you need me to run a sink of warm water, do you need me to text you at 4:30, do you need me to proofread your essay while you do the dishes?” In the early teens, they often did need more scaffolding and support to get tasks done without arguments. “I need, you need” framing is so simple and it works in all areas of interpersonal discourse with people of all ages.
You might be surprised to learn that teens cannot differentiate between the facial expressions of sadness, fear and anger. They may see their parent’s worried face and experience it as anger and blame. Use your words. In advance of any confrontation, remind your kids that they may perceive anger when you are emotional. During intense conversations, be clear about your reaction: “I’m not angry I’m worried about this”, and shift the focus towards solutions: “How are we going to keep you and your friends safe?” My kids have learned not to trust their amygdala and instead they check-in with me to ask if I’m angry. It’s actually a great cue for me to really examine my own feelings and give them a summary of my headspace when we’re navigating emotional issues.
I bumped up against some North American puritanical conditioning when it came to applying my parenting philosophy to their love lives. I never would have imagined that I’d let them have sleepovers with their boyfriends and girlfriends, but if I was their co-pilot in every other aspect of their lives, why would I insist that they navigate sexuality on their own? I don’t have a value system that dictates no sex before marriage so after significant self-reflection, we approached sexuality just like every other aspect of parenting. If a healthy intimate relationship is the goal, having time and space to build trust, plan for safety, and make small mistakes together with a parent to bail them out was the best solution for our family.
In addition to removing rarely used neural structures, the neural pathways used most often are myelinated, creating super-highways of neurons that form default pathways. The things you do in adolescence enable the things you want to do in adulthood. Put your teenagers in activities that reflect your hopes for them. If you want them to exercise three times per week, get them active regularly. If you want them to be leaders, put them in an activity where they can be mentors.
The opposite also applies. People who start using drugs and alcohol during early adolescence have significantly higher addiction rates than those who start using later in life. When cannabis was legalized in Canada, doctors fought to make the age of legalization 25. Unfortunately, public opinion won over scientific data in this case but I’ve encouraged my kids to delay or limit use as long as they can.
When my eldest was in elementary school I gave a talk to their classroom about drug use. A few years later I overheard my youngest confess to their big sibling that they had accidentally viewed pornography in a banner ad. Their older sib, still a child at this time, reassured them that it was okay but they needed to make sure that they didn't continue to watch it because it would reinforce their neural pathways and they might get addicted. It’'s always good to know that the lessons you teach your children really do sink in and get applied in future situations!
So in summary my parenting mantras based on teenage neurodevelopment are:
It’s your amygdala
You’re making all the right mistakes
Not yet, let me be your co-pilot
I need, you need
The things you do predict the things you’ll do.