What is Gender?
About a year ago a colleague asked me why people have pronouns in their email signature. He thought that perhaps it was a signal that they were interested in dating and signalling the gender of their preferred partner.
People get all mixed up about the differences between gender identity, sexual orientation, biological sex, and gender expression. They’re all very different but they’re all included in the LGBTQ2AI+ rainbow! Sam Killermann created the Genderbread Person Graphic to help people understand this topic https://www.genderbread.org/resource/genderbread-person-v4-0
With the Genderbread Person, you can see that gender identity is in the brain. It’s how you feel about your gender (the behavioral, cultural, or psychological traits typically associated with one sex). It is a social construct (totally made up), but it’s a very entrenched social construct so it makes sense that we have a strong sense of gender identity. After all, it’s the first thing people ask when they meet a baby: girl or boy?
I was assigned female at birth (because I had a vulva), then socialized as a girl. Now, as an adult, I feel pretty comfortable fitting into society’s expectations for women. So I identify as a cisgender woman. But if I’d been born in the 1700s when women were supposed to be placid, quiet, and biddable, I don’t think that idea of womanhood would have fit me very well! I think I would have felt more aligned with that era's “male” characteristics.
If you are comfortable with the gender you were assigned at birth then you’re cisgender. Cis and Trans are just terms from organic chemistry that describe whether two things are oriented in the same direction or opposite directions. Cisgender people feel comfortable in the gender they were assigned at birth. People who don’t feel aligned with the gender they were given at birth are called transgender. Nonbinary people fall under the trans umbrella (unless they were raised nonbinary).
My mom said that I’d better tell some good stories or else people are going to feel like they’re being lectured and tune out. Well, let me tell you a story about Alice. She had lived her whole life as a man. She was a dad, a Korean War Veteran, and a big musical theatre fan. When she was in her early 70s she was diagnosed with prostate cancer and started testosterone blockers as part of her cancer treatment. She decided that it was the perfect time to start living the life she had always wanted to live and be her authentic self. By age 72 she was living openly as a transgender woman. Her joy and fearlessness were inspiring and contagious; she was an absolute delight. We danced together, attended pagan Croning rituals together, camped together and shared so many stories. I have no idea where she shopped, but she dressed like the Queen of England and had the accent to match. She was always happy to explain to confused bank tellers or store clerks why her ID didn’t match up with the tiny perfect lady standing before them.
80% of North Americans have never met a trans person. I think if you’d met Alice your life would have been richer. She died last year, the cancer finally got her, and we miss her dearly. I have a few friends who are trans, and my life is better because they’re in it. We all have one precious life; they’re living it with their whole selves.
The next identity on the Genderbread Person is Gender Expression. Gender expression just means how you present to the world. A great example of variant gender expression is Drag. Drag Queens (or Kings) can be straight, gay, cis, trans, men or women. Drag is just playing with gender expression - subverting or accentuating the ways that we’re supposed to dress or behave. It doesn’t say anything about who you are out of costume. It’s best not to make assumptions about someone’s gender or sexuality based on their gender expression.
Biological Sex is complicated. Someday maybe I’ll do a whole post on this topic. Although we as a society generally talk about two sexes (male and female), this is a gross oversimplification and biological sex is actually multiple spectrums. For some reason though, society places a lot of importance on what your genitals look like.
The final category of LGBTQ2AI+ is Sexual Orientation, who you’re attracted to.
I gently explained to my colleague that pronouns are a way to describe your Gender Identity. They let people know how you want to be addressed. It’s annoying if someone uses a nickname you hate, and similarly it’s annoying if someone misgenders you. Putting pronouns (or preferred name) in your email signature helps people connect in positive ways. It signals nothing about your sexual attraction or availability!